I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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