no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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