Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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