i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
