We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
