The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The uberlube is also flammable
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
