When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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