wrigley field is MILF paradise
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
