dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
