I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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