Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
