i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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