Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
