i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
