I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
