So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
