only if we run a train.
done.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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