How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
