today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dick very happy bro
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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