He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
