I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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