I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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