So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
