You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize