Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
