Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
