Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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