If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i think i just lost a toe
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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