I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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