i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
