Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
