Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just want to make out with him forever
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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