hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
