Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
