well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
