I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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