There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
be right there i have to get my cape
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
