hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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