think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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