I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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