Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
