Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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