My hand turned me down
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
