My balls are so social today.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You ruined the universe
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
