take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
