my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
