I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
