Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
