Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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