at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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