Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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