Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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