You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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