I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
