I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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