theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
