i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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