No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
