Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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