I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
