My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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