she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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