I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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