the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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