Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
