I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As shirtless as possible
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
