So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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