Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
