cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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