I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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