Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Im part way to drunk.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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