then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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